?

Log in

No account? Create an account
...This girl just might be out of her mind! [entries|friends|calendar]
The words you only wish you wrote

[ website | Myspace ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[06 Jun 2006|03:07pm]
Hey kids, this is my last entry on this site I think?

I have an xanga now
so if you have one as well add me on there

www.xanga.com/kayla_panic
1 feelin froggy // Leap

Heartattack [26 May 2006|09:32am]
[ mood | confused ]

Everything has been amazing up until now, Nikki said she wanted Amanda back a few days ago, but Amanda told me she had told her NO, but now I look on Nikki's myspace and there's a "P.S. Amanda you need to give me your answer." Now, I really don't know what to think or do because my heart is just killing me, she says she doesn't know what she's talking about so God can only pray it's a different Amanda, because I refuse to be "cheated" on again, and I refuse to give my heart away and have it smashed into pieces once more, I can forgive the past, everyone is intitled to their mistakes, but one more slip and I'm just going to have to be done, I cannot take it. I love her to death lord knows I do, but NO NO NO!

1 feelin froggy // Leap

xD [22 May 2006|11:37pm]
[ mood | giddy ]

Yes yes yes! So everything with Amanda and I is back to nothing, but amazing and that's how I want it to stay I NEED it to stay that way, roar I love her so much!

So I haven't really showed you what I've wrote, but I kind of was laying down tonight on the phone and half asleep and this hit me so here it goes?

and the words they don't even leave your lips
you don't have to say a word
for me to know yeah for me to know
what's going on in the space that's filled between
the heart and the brain
just leave it open to suggestion
here's my lilfe
here's my body
and here's my soul
screaming we've got chemistry girl
don't let this moment
this chance slip away from us now

5 feelin froggy // Leap

[21 May 2006|11:47am]
[ mood | I don't know? ]

Maybe I'm just being selfish when I feel like Amanda isn't really paying any attention to me, I mean she does, it's just I don't know how to explain it exactly. I just always feel like I'm on the back burner I suppose.

Sometimes I don't know I think maybe I'm too in love with her? And she's just not there? I mean I know she's coming here, I want her here so bad, because it would fix so many things, but right now I just feel kind of akward about everything, not really sure what to do or how to react anymore.

Hopefully this feeling passes, I'm just in a bad mood fuck'en red devil I swear!

5 feelin froggy // Leap

[20 May 2006|12:11am]
[ mood | sad ]

God, sometimes I just don't know what to do! It's a fucking Friday night supposed to be "Our" night as in Amanda and I, and all she does is sit on the computer, I remember before she used to get so mad cos I was on the computer and not paying attention to her, well god she's always on the computer and talking to other people AND me, why can't ONE damn night she just pay attention to me and spend time with me without the fucking computer and fucking myspace, god I get so frustrated sometimes I just want to cry, all I want to do is spend time with her, and she always makes me feel like shit cos she has to be doing something else, I always feel like I'm not fucking good enough.

3 feelin froggy // Leap

..... [17 May 2006|11:51am]
[ mood | content ]

In all honesty, being a kid was much easier. Dealing with a skinned knee is a lot less complicated than dealing with the matters of your heart. For the longest time I've ran from everything, mostly life. I was afraid to admitt who I was, who I am, who I want to be.

Whoever says "I don't lable people", they do, everyone does that's just human nature, there always has to be a reason why someone says or does something, and there's always going to be someone else there right behind them to judge them on that. Since I was 12 I must have been hidding it, and hidding it well...Well, the truth is kids I'm gay. I always thought it would be harder to say than that, I guess not.[side note to Josh: Just because I was hidding this from you all this time, doesn't mean I was never in love with you, because I was, and a part of me is always going to be, you have been there for me more times then I can even count, and no matter what happens or where life takes you, just know that, you're amazing.]

I've been through a lot these past few months, and learned some very valuable lessons, one inparticular, be truth to yourself, fuck what others think. If you can listen to that advice then your life is set. Of course I'm not saying totally block out everyones opinion, but just go with what you believe deep down, that thought always there burning go with it, and don't be afraid.

P.S. To the rest of my friends, and/or family that somehow manages to find this. Sorry for not telling the truth sooner, I just didn't have the words for it up until this very point. I hope you can forgive me.

2 feelin froggy // Leap

The hell if I know? [16 May 2006|01:27pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Okay, so Friday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday, I stayed at Cole, and Amber's, it was nice to just get away, and not think about talking to Amanda.

Friday, Amber's Dad came out and to me at my Grandma's we went to the video store, ha we rented like six movies [Rocky Horror Picture show, Now and Then, The Family stone, Saw 2, How to Deal, and 40 year old virgin] again, lol.

Saturday, I don't really remember much, I just remember sleeping in until 3 and going out to the Mall, then we went to Sacred Grounds for coffee, and ate a ton of candy, lol. That night we went out to Arnies and I got some chicken, gah it was so good, lalala ha anyway.

Sunday, Mothers day? My Aunt and my sister came and picked me up from Cole, and Amber's, we went to Reele brothers and date breakfast, with my brother his wife and her family, god I hate so little, but it felt like a LOT, lol. Then we went and got my Mom and took her to the store and what-not.

Yesterday was pretty much rad. My Grandma took me out to the Mall, I met this girl Ashely there that works in Marices with Megan's sister Casey, she helped me find a bunch of stuff, lol. I really let it get away with me and wound up spending just about $300.00 on clothes :x. Then we had to go to Linda's, because that morning, my Grandma called me, and said that Gerry had been put in the hospital, she thought he might have had a heartattack, because he passed out at work, and kept getting wicked hot flashes, so then I called Linda, and she was on her way there, and well...let's just say it's good that he works at the hospital?

Then that night, the computer had been down for about 4days I was getting restless, because I had nothing to do, and TV is just wicked boring, when you're already bored so I got online for a bit, and talked to Cass, and Kayla. Then I just got the urge to call Amanda, so I caved and I did. She answered, and we talked for a bit, and I told her I was sorry that I could, I shouldn't have, she said that she didn't mind, and it was okay that I did, we started talking about how her and I used to be when we first started dating and everything, I just wanted to cry because I miss it so much how her and I used to be with each other, and she told me that she's still in love with me, and wants to be with me, she just can't right now, because her feelings and emotions are confused, and messaged me on myspace about what has been going on. I asked her again if she was with Nikki, and she was talking about how Nikki calls her all the time, and she mostly ignores it cos all Nikki is, is drama, and it's annoying. We talked about other things for a while, then we wound up going to sleep together on the phone again. In all honesty I missed that, I missed having her there at night, she said she missed it too, but I don't know if I can believe it just yet.

3 feelin froggy // Leap

FUCKKK HER! [12 May 2006|04:10pm]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Amanda and I had been together ALMOST 6months,well I found her XANGA today and it said NOTHING about me, only talked about Nikki [I guess she had stuff about Marissa on there, but deleted it], anddd THENNN I read this Marissa girls Xanga that I was told Amanda was dating, cos even asked Amanda over and over she claimed it was all a lie, and that Marissa is nasty and everything like that. Well I read a comment Amanda left to her and it was like I'm glad I have you, I love you" blahh, Amanda needs to fucking grow up and stop "trying" to be a player, it fucking doesn't work! kjfaksfs I always catch you Amanda, I just wish Nikki could see what you're really doing!

2 feelin froggy // Leap

*sigh* [11 May 2006|01:52pm]
[ mood | crappy ]

I hate how, when everything finally seems to be "perfect", something has to come along and fuck it up. Amanda and I for about a week were amazing until this girl that goes to school with her Liz added me on MySpace, and I was talking to her the other morning and she had informed me that Amanda had been dating this girl at her school named Marissa, I was like WTF? we've been together 6 months, I was so pissed, so I asked Amanda bout it and of course she denied it, but Kayla and everyone else still say she did for like a month? I still think she has something going on with Nikki too, reason being she didn't want me to see her MySpace, and that she was on a screen name dear violence and had something about having sex with Nikki and some lyrics and the date they started dating for 2 days mind you. Though I could almost be sure she's lying and is still with her! Just like she lied about a lot of other things! Last night we talked tho, and we're on a "break" now instead of totally broken up, I know it's a dumb idea, but I DO love her, and according to her she still loves me, and she's still coming here this summer so I guess that's all that matters.

1 feelin froggy // Leap

[08 May 2006|06:34pm]
[ mood | happy ]

I'm horrible about keeping this updated. But things are actually pretty damn amazing lately. I have the best girlfriend in the world, my friends own, and uhm I'm actually loving life at this moment.

I went with Kevin last night over to his house and we messed around with the football and both of us agreed we do NOT have a career in frisbie throwing, we both totall SUCK at it, lol. It was rather amusing.

Today I went out with my Grandma she had the day off. We went to Dollar General to get some stuff, and found this cute outfit for my cousin Marky's new baby boy, then we got a bag thing and a stuffed elephant for him it was so cute it made noises, lol. Well, then we went to my Aunt Dody's to drop it off, and everything, then got to Burger King for lunch and my Grandma lost her visa card, so we went ALL over again and this whole time it was stuck in the trunk, lol. After we went to Burger King and I was talking to her, I brought up how my sister was like saying how she thought being "gay" was wrong and stuff. I just kind of was like "So, Nikki said that you thought being gay was wrong." And she was like "Well, there's so people that don't believe in a Heaven and Hell, they just don't think about having to have salvation later they just think you live and then you die and that's it." Then I just kind of was like "Well, what you've heard about the [caleb being a girl thing] is true and he is..and I told you that I didn't care?" and she was like "Well, it's your choice." I just left it at that.

I mean ALL my friends know about Amanda, my sister knows, my Mom knows, and I'm slowly telling my Grandma, but gah I love her so much, it's just insane I never thought I could feel this way about someone before, and I'm loving every minuet of it. She had to go out with her Aunt earlier today at 4, I'm waiting for her to get back home. I miss her already :].

LOL. Alicia was on a bit ago I was talking to her, and she made this slide show for me, and a collage thing I about died laughing, gah all my bad pictures, LOL she got them off of my photobucket oi. HA I adore that girl. Anyway I think this is a long enough update. I might hangout with Kevin, Frankie, and Amanda tonight possiblely hit up Hookah, that would be rad. If not I'll stay in and hang on the phone with my babeh. Later days.

2 feelin froggy // Leap

Last night :] [04 May 2006|11:46am]
[ mood | happy ]

Was amazing, gah I've never been so in love with anyone before, it's insane.
I can't wait til she comes here this summer :].

webcam/phone lala.Collapse )

3 feelin froggy // Leap

[02 May 2006|01:42pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

Gah, so lots and lots has happend. Amanda finally admitted she was pretending to be Caleb and I made the decision to stay with her no matter what, cos I do love her, but at the same time I'm rather pissed off because Nikki has a picture of Amanda a NEW picture from yesterday on her MySpace saying that she's with her, and I'm about to scream because Kayla told me that they had been together this whole time which would be hecka shitty! I don't know what to think or do. I think Amanda is lying about Nikki really I do. I mean Kayla and Brittani told the truth about everything else why would they lie about that? Do I have STUPID wrote across my forehead?

5 feelin froggy // Leap

[27 Apr 2006|07:36pm]
[ mood | good ]

I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think my life needs some serious changes. I'm sick of always being the one to "forgive and forget", when I'm really just pretending to forget cos that ONE thing still sticks out in my mind and it still hurts and pisses me off. I know it's going to be a painful thing, and I'm not saying it's forever, but there's things I need to just get over and move on from. I'm just so scared to actually let go, because I'm so used to how things are, even if they're not exactly positive things, but I know it's for the better, and hell who knows where the future lies? So as of right now, I'm cutting strings. I might be sad, but change is a beautiful thing, you never know what's going to happen til you actually do it. This time I won't be running back.

1 feelin froggy // Leap

Checkkk this out! [25 Apr 2006|07:12pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

I know bad picture, but whatever!

1 feelin froggy // Leap

[25 Apr 2006|02:45pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Sup kids? Not a whole lot here, I got my lip repierced 4 days ago. I stayed with Amanda at her Mom's and then Kyle came over and brought pizza and alcohol. It was good. We walked up to VP so I could get a Rock Star to drink with Jeager, that shit is good, lol. I didn't go to class yesterday I was so freak'en tired, so I stayed home and ordered a pizza then fell asleep til around 7.

Turns out I'm not going to the Fall Out Boy show after all. Andrea and I had a falling out, but no I'm NOT going to cry about it, missing one show isn't the end of the world, besides I still might get to hangout with Kara that day anyway, then the week after that I'm leaving for Montana, I'm getting so fucking excited to just get on with my life and leave all this drama and bullshit behind me. I feel pretty damn amazing right now :]

1 feelin froggy // Leap

[19 Apr 2006|06:38am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

Everything is just falling apart more and more everyday, I'm so pissed off! Yesterday evening my sister and my Grandma went to the store to get my sister something for school. Then, they come home right as I see something Caleb made from ANOTHER GIRL after he promised me he wouldn't do it anymore after the whole Nikki thing, I mean shit I don't make stuff for other guys what the fuck? But anyway...So my Grandma comes in right when him and I are about to get into it, and says "I have all your stuff in the car you're going to Linda's." And I had thought that she talked to Linda about it, well no this was fucking between her and my little sister, see everyone likes to do this thing and plot everything against me well FUCK THEM!

So I go to Linda's and call Caleb cos I'm wicked upset, and all he wants to do is freak'en take a shower, and go to sleep cos he didn't feel good, but whatever I would still do anything for him sadly no matter if I had to get up early the next morning or not. I was pretty hurt I mean here I was fucking crying and he's just like "I need a shower." I felt so retarded. After that I finally let him go and called Andrea thinking it would take my mind off of shit, but all I got from her was "You life really isn't that bad all they want from you is to get a job, and license, and move out blah blah" I got sick of hearing it and hung up on her. Tried to get online there and sign on as a guest, but eh that didn't freak'en work I was getting really frustrated, cos of the storm my TV is broke too. So I called Whitney and asked her if there was anyway I could come there earlier, and I was so set on it, and then Linda starts bitching "well you just got a letter to come to court in 3 weeks for the SSI thing you better go blah blah". It's not like I'm going to accomplish anything cos there's people more fuck'd up than me that needs the shit.

I JUST WANT THE FUCK OUT!
6 feelin froggy // Leap

Is the inspiration back? [17 Apr 2006|09:08pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

It all kind of hit me again while I was sitting there at school. I don't know why, or what posessed it, but I'm suddenly struck with this urge to write again, and have no idea what to write about, but I just really want to write SOMETHING gah.

1 feelin froggy // Leap

Memoriesss. [16 Apr 2006|07:11pm]
[ mood | amused ]

lol, I'm watching this show on discovery channel about the "what if's" like "what if such and such happend" and it just reminded me of when I was little how I used to cry cos I thought the world was going to end, and how I was terrified of getting too hot or I'd spontaniously combust :x. God I was a strange child.

P.S. Someone runaway with me :]

1 feelin froggy // Leap

[13 Apr 2006|08:10am]
[ mood | okay ]

Things with Caleb are kind of shakey still like the on again off again. He hasn't really been around much to talk to lately because of stuff going on with him at home. I miss having someone there when I need them, but I'm learning to adjust I suppose. I just still feel like someone in this relationship whether it e him/friend/family memeber is lying about something, but I just cannot put my finger on it. Sometimes I don't know if I'd even want to.

Grr, I miss Josh, I haven't talked to him in almost a week, since he made that Myspace. I've been trying to get ahold of Maria again, she added me on my new yahoo, but hasn't said anything since. I need to talk to her. I hate when people just grrr!

I have a VOC Rehab meeting, lol. Sounds like some drug addcition group, but it's not, I have to go see my caseworker about me moving and what I need to do once I get out there, and all that other fun stuff heh. God, I'm going to be freak'en busy the first week I get out there.

Anyway, I'm starving so I'm gonna go make me something to eat, talk to you kids later♥

1 feelin froggy // Leap

I should've had enough sense to get up and leave this town! [11 Apr 2006|08:58am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

God, I fucking hate that bitch! This morning I had to get up and go over to Linda's so she could take me to my follow up knee appointment at Unity, and the way there wasn't so bad, til we got in the parking l to then she had to start her shit ONCE again, and I was like gah just shut the fuck up, and walked up to the building. I get in there and talk to the doctor. I managed to score more Vicodin, but I didn't tell Linda cos she would have said something to them about it :x. But then we get in the car and she starts her bitching all over again, it took everything in me not to just punch her right in the face, she kept nagging at me "You're almost 20 years old and you've done NOTHING with you're life and you're never going to do nothing, because you are nothing blah blah blah" God damn fucking ass bitch grrrr! I HATE HER! I'm so pissed off right now I could scream!

She kept pushing at me "why won't you just get do this do that" and I kept saying "Because I'm fucking leaving in June" and she's like "Well, don't think you're coming back here if you go out there again because you have another thing coming I don't want you here you make me sick, I'm tired of working just for you to sit on your dead ass." Okay....WHAT THE FUCK? Someone please hitman I need one? Fucking christ!

3 feelin froggy // Leap

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]